16. joulukuuta 2014

Hello.

How lost can a person be. And I thought that life gets complicated only after you're 20.

It's few days left until I'll leave Russia for 3 weeks and during that time and going home as well as to Thailand. Seriously what could be any better? Even though I'm so happy to have that break, I never thought that "the last days" could ever feel this difficult. During this past year every single break/holiday I've gone home , I've never had this frustration before it. Usually it comes after, but not before. Me and my friend have been trying to focus on all the positive things and not letting ourselves get sad, and at least for me it's been great. Well no one can ever be happy 24/7, but as soon as I didn't feel good anymore, I took the moment to figure out what makes me feel that way and then get rid of it. Now when I assumed that this week's going to be great because the winter break is starting, instead somehow it has just brought every single sad moment I can imagine to my mind.

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Nothing seems to work, right when everything just should work.
One night last week I actually had a dream, that I went to New York with two of my best friends and it felt so real that the next morning I was ready to do anything to "make my dreams come true". Also because lately I've been struggling with my social life, if that's what you can call it. That morning I was ready to forget all that and just, again what I do, to erase what causes the problem.
Somehow during the end of last week it hit me so hard, again, that maybe it's just not me who's going to do all those amazing things and actually succeed in doing what I love. Maybe my social life sucks and fails perfectly, because there's something wrong with me and not the people who I don't get along with. It might be hard to understand not knowing the whole story, but I bet some one who has in some point struggled with any relationship, could understand this feeling.

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Coming back to my dream. I've secretly always wished I would be "the one in a million", the one who's different and is actually able to do things that some of us can just dream about. But maybe it's time for me to wake up from that and face the reality. Everyone thinks that they are so unique, but in the end most of us stand in the same place, doesn't matter how special you think you are.

Since I was in the grade 5, I was sure I want to be a fashion designer. Everyone told me how that would never ever happen,  "you don't get enough money from that because you should be talented enough and wouldn't a real job be better?" So after listening to that for a while, I actually started to find myself another dream. I gave it up so easily, because as a 5th grader what did I knew about anything? I spent the next 4 years continuing happily my life, but all the time searching for the second dream. Simply, I've aways been one of those who needs a dream to drive for. In every attempt to find something I could be good at, something I could actually enjoy as much as clothes, but no. It always came down to fashion. Even last year I tried journalism and writing if that would be the thing that's there for me, but no way. I enjoy writing sometimes, but I know for sure that's not what I'll enjoy doing my whole life and even something I would be good at.

Not saying that I have any sense of fashion, meaning, anyone who has seen me knows and can see that I have no idea what I'm doing with my clothes. But that just happens to be something I really enjoy and I would even say, is my passion.

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I'm still so scared about my future and I have so many different voices in my head saying it's a bad idea, I cannot do it, I'm a one huge failure. And I think that's what I'm the most afraid of, failing.
Seriously, after failing in so many things in my whole life how can I even think of not failing in something!? Every human relationship, every exam, every opportunity, just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me.
Nevertheless I'm getting too far away from the topic. Basically to sum up, this past week I'm back in the point I'm pretty sure I'm just a failure who's finally facing the reality, the biggest fear, of being basic.


Not to end on a bad note, I'll never stop believing that I'm different. Even though one day I'm going to be 80 year old, sitting in a chair and thinking how I didn't accomplish what I dreamed about, but honestly there's nothing that could change the fact that I'll always be something special and ordinary, even if it only means something to myself.

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