11. kesäkuuta 2017


Dear boy that I loved,

It's surprisingly difficult to write about feelings especially when it's something that you and I neither one of us want to hear. So to start off this letter I should probably establish why am I writing it. There are multiple reasons but the first one that comes to my mind is me. Yes, I obviously have not gotten the closure I was waiting for so this is the closest I can get to that. I need to get rid of everything that is in anyway related to you. I've been doing a pretty good job with that and now all I have to get rid of is this feeling. The feeling that in the past few months made me hate the people around me and life in general. I let you do a lot of things, but I won't let you ruin me.

Most probably you won't even read this, but I kinda hope you do. My intention is not to hurt you, but I do hope you understand what you did. Like I already said, you made me distant myself from everyone, you made me think that everyone is out there to get me and that I need the validation of others. The last one is the worst one yet. This didn't even happen during the past few months, no. This happened in some point during the past year and I will never forgive you you or myself for letting that happen.

You don't need to apologize. And obviously I know you won't. You said things that I never thought you could say to me and you said all that just to hurt me. I didn't want to care, but unfortunately I did. Within the first week without you I felt happy and glad. Not the first things you would imagine for someone to feel after what we went through. I was doing just fine. After a month or so another person, who maybe gets her own letter later...did what she did and both of  you worked your way to ruin me.

However, back to you. I don't even know what I have left to say to you. First I hoped all the best for you and wished that you'll do well in life, after that I hoped you burn in hell and your life turns to shit. But now... I don't care anymore. You can do whatever you want with your life and I don't care really what happens with it. How I see it is that you don't deserve the hate I felt for you, but you also don't deserve the prayers I sent out for you.

What I know now is that I don't want you to contact me or anyone who's in anyway involved with me. I don't want to hear or see what you're up to. I don't say that because I despise you or anything, I say that because I think I deserve better than to live in a constant hatred and insecurity. This letter is messy and I was really struggling to make sense out of it, but it's complicated, and I think you're the one who gets it.

I am not sorry for what happened. I did care about you. I never wanted to hurt you. But the problem was that you always loved me more than I loved you.


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